Bye
by TheNameOfButAMortal
Summary: Sometimes, things just can't happen. Sometimes, it's not even worth trying.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Bus Journeys Are Hell

I'm so sick of sitting on buses.

Forget that, I'm sick of standing on them! I can hardly ever sit out of fear that the people around me will glare at me for not giving my seat up for them. It doesn't matter if they're dying, disabled, deaf or completely healthy, these people will glare! Why is that? What did I do to you people to deserve these looks of complete contempt? Nothing! I never do anything; I just sit (stand) and try to look inconspicuous.

Then again, maybe that's the problem…my face. My God my face, I just don't know what to do with it. I think I want to just relax but I can't. And in becoming more and more anxious, my lip starts to twitch and then my eye goes and I feel like everybody's glaring at me because they think I'm some sort of psychopath about to pounce on them, ripping their guts out like some rabid creature. Instead, in trying to relax, I end up looking bored as fuck, gazing out of the windows with probably a look of complete and utter disinterest on my face.

Everybody else probably thinks I'm glaring at them.

Everybody else probably just doesn't care.

Why do I care? Does anybody else? They must right? I'm nothing special. We all know that in the, what is it, 7 billion (?) other people in the world, there must be a couple more like me, like everyone else. You can say Ghandi's different but then you hear about Mother Theresa. You can say your sister's different but then you look at somebody else's. I could say I'm different but I'm so obsessively observant about other people that I probably wouldn't recognise my own traits in someone if they hit me in the face with them…but hey, that's life and, hey, it'll end one day.

Or will it?

That's not the point. Where did I even come from thinking? Buses? About how much I hate being on buses. Yes, everyday, to and from school. Into town and out again: going to the park, going to the shops, going to…a restaurant? I don't know; I don't get out much. The point is, I wish I had a car, even though I know I'd just be too scared to drive it. I wish I had a bike, but I'm too scared to ride it. I wish I had…I have legs. Hmm, I could walk, but then I have to go up that street where all those muggings seem to happen. Yep, the bus with it's claustrophobic, stagnant atmosphere and angry drivers and pushy people will have to do. Man, I hate the people on the bus. Especially mothers, just ugh! Mothers, am I right?

Oh God, it's my stop! What was I even thinking about? Ah whatever, that was actually quite a peaceful journey since I was lost in my own thoughts. Yay.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: A Breve of Rest

Go through the gate. Go up the steps to the left. Go inside the doors (After staring at the sky, with it's fluffy clouds in the background of that pretty blossoming cherry tree of course) and then find yourself inside school. Now avoid the vision of that student who you feel is staring at you, very good. Go through the door to the right, observing the ugly fake marble patterns that litter the floor as if they could use their blueness to pretend to be an ocean but which ultimately fail and instead make you think of the patterns on bowling balls…now to the left. Down those three steps, through the double sets of doors. Avoid those teachers who complain at you for having your headphones on even though school hasn't started yet. Now forwards. Open locker door, take out books for the day and throw them on the unsightly floor, gently. Take out lunch and thermos and put them in the locker. Close locker door and pack bag up.

Jesus Christ this bag is heavy!

Now to technology!

All these people in the hallways annoy me; I see them wondering why my face is so plain. I see them questioning the fear they can see in my eyes. Why are they even looking into my eyes? Who does that? Leave me alone!

As I make my way to tech these people gradually thin out, thank God! I go up the two mini-flights of stairs and once at the top go through the two doors that take me to the main tech room.

I see Matthew and Lilly move their mouths but the presence of my headphones on my ears kind of make their words pointless – don't they know that yet? I just wave at them, setting my bag down on the first square table of the five found in the tech room.

The room isn't that great. It's a new edition to the school but is old enough to have enough wear and tear to not be considered new anymore. Computers containing design software encompass the room to the left and forward of my perspective. There is a bundle of machinery to my right, next to it a smart board and beside it a computer since this is where the teacher teaches from. In front of that are, quite obviously, the tables and chairs – dull blue plastic chairs made in some repetitive manufacturing cycle that makes factory workers want to rip their eyes out of their heads.

I decide to sit down in the second chair in from the table closest to me, the chair next to my bag. Now the computers are behind me and to my left with the machinery, smart board and computer in front of me. There is a set of double doors too that leads to the next tech classroom and to my right the door that I came in from looms. Beside it can be seen shelves, bending from the weight of random acrylics, hardwoods and time.

Lily is sitting at one of the computers, focusing on some random work as always and acting like the weight of the world is on her tiny shoulders while Matthew is effectively staring off into the distance, waiting for something interesting to happen but not bothering to be the reason for the occurrence of said interesting event.

I take my headphones off, deciding to spark conversation.

"Hey man. How's it going?"

My words feel funny in my mouth. They always sound strange after stopping listening to music. I feel like I should be singing. I mean, sometimes I do sing my greetings to my friends in the morning, though I never before have considered that it could be for this reason. I guess that would make sense though.

I don't feel like singing right now; I'm too tired. Monday is singing day for me – when I'm still fresh as long as I had a good weekend. Today is Thursday; I feel worn, like someone's used me as a washboard for several hours.

Back to Matthew, who has a funny look on his face (Hatred (of me) for me but probably just fatigue for him). He says, "Meh."

I love how articulate this boy is. I always tell him that he needs to speak more but he just ignores me. He seems to do that quite often and I'll be honest, from time to time it gets on my nerves. I don't blame him though. Matthew's a quiet guy. Not broody quiet, maybe timid quiet…I'm still not sure. Jesus, I've known this guy for a year and a half and I still can't figure out why the hell he speaks so little.

It's probably my fault; I speak too much. I have a lot to say because I say what I think. I don't think before speaking and I hate that.

"What lessons do we have today?"

I might as well ask since I've already forgotten.

"Dunno."

"Oh…", awkward (for me) pause, "Hey Lilly." Pause "Lilly!" Pause "LILLY!"

"Hmm, oh, yeah Tweek?"

She totally heard me the first time.

Whatever, that's who she is, might as well get on with it, "What lessons do you have?"

She flusters, "Can't remember. Sorry." She continues flustering, she stresses and acts like I just asked her to kill someone and upon turning back to her work seems to forget this seemingly horrendous request, instead calming and acting like whatever she's doing needs to be done or she'll be blamed for the apocalypse.

I'll just look up my timetable. I'll talk to Matthew while doing that.

"God, I had the strangest dream last night. I woke up but I hadn't actually woken up or anything and then I found out that I was taped down in my bed and someone's hand was over my mouth. It was horrible! I-"

"-I had a bad dream last night too…"

"Oh…yeah"

Matthew looks…uncomfortable? "Loads of stuff happened…"

"Wow…that sounds petrifying."

He frowns, mumbling "Shut up."

"Whatever."

Silence.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I need to think of something to say. I'm screaming inside.

The double doors open, "Hello!"

"Hey Lewis!", I seem to shout.

Thank God for that.

"You won't guess what happened on the way here."

Cue all eyes on Lewis.

"What?" I ask collectively with Lilly.

"I ran into Mr. Mackey."

We all jump up and run over to Lewis, questioning him about this bizarre experience. Why's he here? He's a primary school teacher or councillor or whatever right? What if he's got a promotion? Dear God please say that he didn't! It would be fun to make fun of him if that were the case though. Oh what to think, what to think, what to think.

I don't want to think about it anymore. The topic has lost my interest. Abrupt I know, but we exhausted all of the questions that I care about and it's not like Lewis knows anything anyway. Why bother asking?

The bell rings and my heart skips a beat. And it skipped a beat because I was surprised all right, nothing more.

We have to go and register in class…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: All the Facts

I go up the stairs of the building in which my form class is located. Someone's behind me and I end up holding the door at the top for ages because I'm too worried that they'll be offended if I let it slam in their face, even though technically that face is very far from the door and they probably wouldn't even notice.

I go through my classroom door and avoid the eves of the one and only, Miss Garrison (yep, still 'Miss'). I feel like she wants me to say 'Hello' to her since she had a go at me once for not doing so, saying I would fail at life if I couldn't greet people properly.

That offended me.

However, I sucked up my pride and started saying it. Then she called me crazy and told me that I needed medicine to fix my brain so I stopped.

Since that ReAlLy offended me.

Phew. Made it. Haha. Phew. Yeah. I'm sitting down now. Putting bag under table. Just sitting.

"Hey Tweek."

"Hey Conifer."

"Conifer? Really?" Craig glares at me jokingly, used to me always replacing his name with random words that I pretend make sense.

"Yeah. Really it fits you perfectly." Oh no, I'm going to start babbling. "You're like, monotonous right. You seem to watch over everything in silence but you don't do it in a way that makes it seem like you hate what you're watching. Instead, it's like you're interested in what's going on. Therefore, you have like, the wise old nature of a tree. Hence, you're a conifer tree."

Did I really just call this guy a conifer tree? What in God's name is wrong with me?

I can't look at Craig's face. He sounds like he's smiling slightly as he says "Oh yeah?" though. That's good I guess.

I need to think of something to say or the silence is going to start again.

Miss Garrison starts calling out names so luckily I don't have to worry about this anymore. I observe the classroom while waiting for mine to be called.

Once more, this building is rather new to the school. Luckily it has managed to avoid the chipping away of said newness that can be seen in the tech department since it is only used for (in my opinion) pointless classes like…Sex Ed and Drug lectures and all that. And no, I'm not saying we don't need them, I just think they're only useful if taught well. I don't think I can listen to someone talking about caring for people with mental illness when they have personally called you crazy before (Miss Garrison is the teacher I'm talking about by the way).

Anyway, because of that, this place is pretty neat. It has the same boring blue carpet as the rest of the school, the same off-white walls and not-completely-open-able windows. Some of which are covered in newspaper for some inexplicable reason – lack of blinds I guess. This whole building has always felt rather cheap like that to me. It's clean but it feels paper thin, like one of those collapsible building things. From outside it looks like it could be bulldozed in one go. On the inside it seems sturdier but still has a strange paper-like quality about it. This place seems flimsy…unreal.

The room that I am currently in has tables arranged in a horseshoe shape, with very long sides. I sit facing the door and right next to the teacher's desk (definitely not something that pleases me). Nobody sits on the chair to my right, closest to Miss. Garrison's desk, partially because they don't want to be near Miss. Garrison and partially since they don't want to be near me since I'm apparently too 'sarcastic' for them or something. I don't really care that they don't like me but I don't like how they confronted my apparent sarcasm in the past so easily. When I first started speaking to everyone in our class, most of whom were new to me, I tried to be really friendly 'cause, y'know, I wanted friends.

Then one day, this kid comes up to me and says, "Hey, why are you so sarcastic?" and in seeing a look of surprise on my face continues, "It's just, you seem kind of rude sometimes and you offend people a bit. I don't have anything against you, I'm just asking for everyone else."

I told him that I wasn't even sure I ever had been sarcastic and, in a daze, said that I didn't want to offend anybody. The question left me kind of upset so I asked people from other classes about it, like Matthew, and found out that my whole form didn't like me for some reason that I couldn't comprehend. I didn't bother feeling upset about this anymore and instead decided that I would just not bother trying to make friends in the form anymore, leading to Craig being the only one who ever really talks to me, besides some random chats with people when we're in lessons and stuff.

This is why Craig is the one who sits on my right. He gets on with everyone just fine. Well, he gets on with people most of the time but he's that kid who kind of gets in trouble a lot and has a couple of fist fights here and there that lead to a few detentions but nothing too serious.

My relationship with him is kind of funny. When we were way younger, we had this sort of actual 'relationship' relationship. A fake romance created because some random people wanted it or something. We just both went along with it for a while because it didn't really cause any harm. After about a year, Craig told me that he was worried he'd not be able to date someone for real if they thought he was in a relationship with me though so we called it off. A couple of people were upset but the fuss had kind of died down by then so it was cool. I was fine with the situation too; I only went along with it 'cause he wanted me to.

So, five-ish years later, here I am, sitting next to him as the only person willing to talk to me.

I feel like a monster because a couple of weeks ago I started to realise that I might have a bit of a crush on him.

Don't get me wrong. I do like girls. I've had loads of crushes before. None of them pursued 'cause I'm scared as hell of that idea but nonetheless they have existed. At the beginning of this school year, I had a couple of random dreams about guys but nothing too intense and none of them about Craig.

Then, one day I'm in the same class as him and this girl asks me, "Are you straight?" right in front of him and, since I'm not completely sure, I say "Probably."

I swear that 'probably' has ruined my life. I guess it made me question what Craig would think about how I didn't say 'yes' and how he'd react to the notion of me not in fact being straight completely.

To be honest, he made it worse. I'm not sure if it was on purpose but, every now and then, in those lessons, he seemed to be remarking upon his straightness an awful lot. He never said it directly to me but he'd be talking with his friends and I'd overhear "I'm completely straight" or something like that and it made me think about it more since he was so on the defensive.

In following lessons, I'd hear him discussing 'celebrity crushes' with his mates and I felt like this added to my intrigue about what he was thinking.

One day, he's wandering around the classroom (this lesson is woodworking so it's kind of free since we have projects which we have to design and evaluate on computers in one classroom and make in another with one teacher supervising both rooms) and he starts talking about how he was doing loads of exercise for his legs yesterday and now they're super 'ripped' or whatever (Craig is very straightforward and sometimes egotistical about these things). There are only three people in the classroom: Craig, Clyde and me. So, after Craig has talked to Clyde about his legs, he comes up to me and places his leg on the chair next to me, bent like he's about to step up onto the chair.

He says, "See, feel it."

And I blush. At this point, I didn't even really think about Craig 'like that' yet, I'm just a very not physical interaction type person: I don't hug, I don't discuss sex and I don't touch people's legs. I told him that I didn't want to touch his leg but he kept insisting that I should and told me there wasn't anything weird about it.

In the end, he tried forcing me to, pulling on my arm (which I had locked behind my back) with a fair amount of force. I managed to avoid touching his leg but my face ended up beet-red, or at least felt so hot that it should have been and I felt like Craig thought I was for sure gay, even though I didn't really think I was at the time, ironically.

The fact that he was so desperate for me to touch his leg kind of made me wonder about him. I mean, who does that? But I think it was just because he was testing me out.

After this even I end up thinking about him more and more until one day I think, "I should try getting myself off while thinking of him."

This thought may seem quite strange but I feel like it was rather relevant. You see, I knew I liked Craig, as a friend, definitely. I thought it might be kind of nice to actually hang out with him (which I never do), hold hands with him and maybe kiss him. However, I wasn't sure I wanted to have sex with him. I wasn't sure a dick would turn me on.

I know I'm not asexual 'cause, I've thought about girls okay, at least a bit, so, I feel like if I were in a relationship I'd want sex and I'm a monogamist so I'd need that with Craig if I were in a relationship with him.

I managed to think about Craig while getting myself off but I wasn't sure if it was as effective as thinking about other things. After doing it, I also felt like I had kind of abused him, but that was pretty stupid because he doesn't seem like the kind of person to mind stuff like that.

Moving along, I now feel like I could happily be in a relationship with him. I have no idea what 'label' I'd assign to myself but I feel like I like Craig and have the ability to MaYbE like other guys too.

But I don't want to like Craig. Lately he's all I can think about and it's driving me mad.

Like I said, I've had crushes before. And to be honest, I get pretty deep into them. It was okay before though; the girls I had crushes on only spoke to me a couple of times and sure, those times were like heaven but, they meant that I didn't actually know much about them, or see them and be reminded that I like them too much.

I know that none of this really makes sense but my point is that I need to stop liking Craig since I'm becoming obsessed and he's self-proclaimed "completely straight".

Sitting next to him right now is kind of like torture. I always look forward to this part of the day so much but I dread it at the same time. It's over in twenty minutes and then I only really see the guy in passing here and there (with maybe a conversation in woodworking class).

I don't know what to do.

He's talking to someone else at the moment. After Miss Garrison called out the register he started a discussion with the person on his left in the horseshoe. People actually want to talk to him hence them being okay with sitting alongside him and I am now left to sit alone in silence, gazing about the room and praying that Miss Garrison won't speak to me.

I hate that I'm kind of jealous over Craig speaking to someone besides me. I feel pathetic.

Looking at the clock I can see that the next bell is about to ring. Miss Garrison seems to take a glance at the clock too and signals to the class that they should start preparing to leave. I get up and pick up my bag from under the desk, tucking in the dull blue, monotonous and eye-stabbing (apparently) chair that I was just sitting on and wait for the bell to ring.

After it does, Craig speaks. "Let's go" and we go.

On the way to our lesson, I ask what we have. He tells me "Maths" and then we head to maths. I'm about to head up the stairs to the lesson when he smirks at me and says something I can't make out in the loudness of the crowd.

He heads off in the opposite direction to maths, turning around when he realises I'm not following.

I realise that we don't have maths. I have French. A while ago now, I told him all our lessons for the day in the wrong order in order to confuse him, succeeding in doing so. Now, he has taken his revenge. My face drops in shock at the realisation of his attempt to deceive me and he laughs at my expression. I walk over to him and hit him lightly, with him continuously laughing as I smile with a fake scowl on my face as we head to our actual lessons.

I have to go up two flights of stairs; he has to go up one. After the first flight, he says "Bye" to me and I tell him to go to hell, still smiling.

I go to French and when break comes I tell Matthew about how Craig tricked me and I can't stop thinking about him and it's killing me.

I just want this stupid crush to be over with. I'm leaving this school at the end of the year so there's no point in even considering that he might like me; it would be pointless for me and Craig to start dating if we'd have to break it up in the end anyway.

I'm probably never going to see him again once I move. I'm not friends with him on Facebook. I don't have snapchat or twitter. I don't know his phone number. I don't even really know why I like him so much. I don't want to think about it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Observe This Torture

It's starting to really aggravate me. I can't stop talking about Craig at home or to Matthew and Lilly. My Mum probably thinks I'm straight; she seems to have forgotten about the thing with Craig years ago (she's rather forgetful) along with my Dad (who is the same) so she doesn't seem to find it too unusual that I seem to talk about him a lot. I still want to stop though, but I can't. I'm pretty sure Matthew finds it kind of weird too. I don't seem to have mentioned Craig too much to Lilly so she's fine, luckily.

It's getting me paranoid. My parents are fine with me liking whomever but I probably wouldn't be able to tell them even if I had a crush on a girl; I never have before. I'm just too shy about that stuff. My friends are probably cool with the idea too since they're pretty open-minded people. I don't want them to know though 'cause I feel like it'd make them think I'm an idiot. Who gets a crush on someone they've known nearly their whole life so late, and just before you're about to never see that person again?

Maybe that's it? Maybe the adrenaline of moving, the thought of change and the anticipation of all the new things I will see has just put me in some sort of delusional state where I have become somewhat enchanted by Craig Tucker. I don't know.

I just feel so bad about it. Craig seems to be going through a tough time at the moment. He's stressed about exams and he's been having more arguments with his 'friends' (the ones that are on and off (he has proper ones too like Clyde, Token and Jimmy)), he's also having more disputes with the teachers. They've been upping school rules recently, claiming that the school is effectively a shithole due to the lack of discipline the students receive. We all hate it. Even Lilly, Matthew, Lewis, Riley (Another friend of mine) and I are all getting kicked out of the tech department because they don't want the students indoors anymore. And we're effectively considered model students!

This all started at the beginning of the year with a new head teacher arriving due to the PC principals expanding their range of existence. My friends and I managed to hide out in tech as they kicked groups out one by one…

So many students got ill in the winter because they were FORCED to go outside at break and lunch. It's insane. And, as I was saying, Craig's not dealing with it well. I know that it's stupid for me to care so much since we only talk for like ten minutes a day (since most of form is spent listening to Miss Garrison's gibberish) but seeing him upset makes my heart ache. I heard him yelling at someone outside my maths classroom the other day: his voice was hoarse and I swear he may have been crying. Some people in class were snickering at it but it made me mostly sad. One of the girls from my form was beside me though so I pretended that I found it at least slightly amusing so she wouldn't…mention me I guess. As if. God, I feel insane.

I just want to not like him. I don't know why that seems like such a difficult thing for my brain to achieve.


	5. Chapter 5

Ah, well.

I'm moving in four months anyway…I just have to wait to leave.

Four…"Forget it."

Three…"Forget him."

Two…"Forget your heart."

One…"Forget 'love'."

"Bye Tweek. I'm was so glad I could sit with you y'know. I hope you do well in life."

"You too man! Bye...Conifer."

"Oh shut up!"

"Hah! Whatever."

...

...

He's gone.

...

...

"Bye Craig."


End file.
